Happiness

I had lost hope long ago of ever finding my own happiness.
The fact that I was able to obtain my happiness, though it may have been only for a short while, is a blessing in itself.
Yet I cannot deny the pain I feel.

Seeing them together……though I know where his affections lie, with her and yet with me also, it pains me to know that I am not the only one sharing in his affections.
Perhaps I am just a stupid, selfish woman. Perhaps I am being petty; I do not know.
And nor do I care.

I wish that I could be the only one who shared his loving gaze.
I do wish for their happiness, yet at the same time I curse it.
For their happiness to survive means that my own happiness must perish.

Why must it be so?
Why can my happiness not survive as well as theirs?
I wish I knew the answer…..but I do not.
I want to be happy…….I wish to feel happiness.

But more than that, I wish for his happiness as well.
So if he can be happier with her than with I, then I shall let him go.
Because in the end, even if I have to suffer the pain of a knife being stabbed through my heart a thousand times over,
I gladly shall if it means I can see his loving smile no matter what.